phuckin' with pharaoh

SPEED NARRATIVE: 

This guy is on the way home from partying with the father of his cheating concubine when they are accosted in a town in the Benjamin tribal region. He gives his girlfriend to the mob so they won’t bugger him, but she does not survive being gang raped all night. He cuts her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to the other Israelite tribes. They respond by massacring all the Benjaminites except six hundred, then feel bad about it. In order to build a new tribe, the Lord has them slaughter everyone in a different town and take the four hundred virgins left alive as unwilling wives. Needing another two hundred wives, they kidnap the young women from a YHWH religious festival and carry them away.  

THE WHOLE STORY: Even in the midst of the violence and misogyny found throughout the holy book, this tale at the end of the Book of Judges jumps right out at you. It begins with an unnamed Levite (actually, no one has a name in this brisk narrative) setting out to find his promiscuous (“his concubine played the whore against him.” – KJV) runaway concubine. After four months of searching he locates her back home with her father in Bethlehem. 

After about six days of partying at the insistence of his father-in-law, the Levite convinces his party girl to leave with him. (There is a strong implication that the father succeeds several times in talking him into yet another day of drinking.) The couple heads for home. On the journey they take lodging in the Israelite city of Gibeah, located in the tribal lands of Benjamin. After sitting in the town square with no offers of hospitality forthcoming, eventually an old man from Ephraim invites them into his home. 

They are eating dinner with the old man when the debauched citizens of Gibeah surround the house and demand the Levite come on out and get gang raped. He is disinclined to participate so he hands over his concubine to the “worthless fellows,” who rape and abuse her all night long. She crawls to the door and dies there. 

There is an odd moment here we should allow the KJV to narrate: 

“And her lord rose up in the morning, and opened the doors of the house, and went out to go his way: and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold.”

And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place.”

Having given her over to the mob as a sex toy, his apparent lack of interest in how she spent the night is stunning, while his conversation with her corpse is darkly comic. 

Continued right column

Once home, the cowardly widower cuts up the concubine’s body into twelve pieces and sends a part to each of the other tribes of Israel.

Don’t look at me, I didn’t write it.

The other tribes assemble an army of 400,000 mean at Mizpah, where the Levite tells them his story. He points out that this is an abomination on the soil of Israel. He does not reveal his own role in the crime.

The people of Israel travel to Benjamin and demand of the tribe that the perps be turned over, but Benjies will not rat out the bad boys of Gibeah. This sets off a civil war which quickly turns into genocide as the other tribes kill off nearly all of the Benjaminites. The Israelites bring their forced\s up against the much smaller Benjaminite army of 26,000 men plus seven hundred from Gibeah.

Nevertheless, the Benjaminites kill 22,000 of the Israelites on the first day of battle. The discouraged Israelite warriors find YHWH ten miles north in Bethel to inform the Lord about their tough day on the battlefield. YHWH tells them to not lose heart and get back to it tomorrow. Next day they lose another 18,000 men, return to Bethel to get another pep talk.

There ensues a drawn out and obtuse description of the final battle Israel vs. Benjamin battle, the outcome being that with the help of the Lord all but six hundred of the Benjies are eventually slaughtered, all their cities are burned and their livestock killed. The death toll for Benjamin is 25,100.

At this point, some of the Israelites start feeling a little bad that they have almost wiped out one of their own tribes. And to compound the problem, the several hundred Benjaminites who escaped alive won’t be able to find suitable breeding stock to replenish the tribe because the Israelites had sworn previously that they would not allow any of the Benjies to marry their daughters.

The Israelites at this point are distraught, at wits end as to how to provide the surviving Benjies with enough breeding stock to bring the population back

Well, they don’t call him the Lord for nothing: YHWH has a plan. What we need to fix this situation is more murder and rape and the people on the wrong end of this new onslaught will be the people of Jabesh-gilead, an Israelite town.

What the actual fuck is Jabesh-Gilead you are probably asking? You could be forgiven for that, because the reader has heard nothing about these unfortunate people until now.

It is now revealed that this town did not show up at the Mispah war council to denounce the Benjies and provide soldiers for the slaughter, therefore, all the people of Jabesh-Gilead are going to die except for their virgin daughters. Mind you, these are not Benjaminites, but rather fellow Israelites. The Israelites send 12,000 men to massacre the population (who were not likely expecting them) and net four hundred attractive virgins for their efforts.

Now, with hundreds of nubile wives at the ready – voluntarily or not – the Israelites send a message of peace to the Bennies, now holed up at the Rock of Rimmon for several months. 

“Sorry for the genocide, but we would like to offer you several hundred slightly traumatized virgins so you can start a new tribe.” Nothing gets a virgin in the mood for love like having your family wiped out. 

So good news for four hundred of the remaining Bennie army, but what about the rest? Again, easily remedied. It turns out there is a festival of the Lord being held at Shiloh and there will be lots of young virgins dancing about, as they are wont to do at YHWH fests. All the Benjie men have to do is lie in wait for the girls should they wander away from the party and kidnap them, which they do. 

The next passage makes very little sense:

“And when their fathers or their brothers come to complain to us, we will say to them, ‘Grant them graciously to us, because we did not take for each man of them his wife in battle, neither did you give them to them, else you would now be guilty.’” - KJV

To be clear: the Lord’s plan for restoring justice is to massacre 25,000 or of his people who had nothing to do with the original crime, and then to salvage the diminished tribe by slaughtering everyone but the virgins in another town and then, coming up short a couple hundred, kidnap a few hundred more virgins and force them to submit as wives. This is why we teach the Bible. No matter how you spin it, these were young vulnerable women celebrating a YHWH religious rite who were abducted in a scene not dissimilar the Sabine rape in Roman history.

(still with me? – we’re reading the holy book here).

WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS SCRIPTURAL MESS AND WHY WAS IT WRITTEN?

There is no shortage of theories, but no definitive answers. It is likely that whatever agenda is behind this tale is political, but even that is not readily obvious. 

The Book of Judges, which also features YHWH-sanctioned  human sacrifice, takes place in the pre-monarchial era,  about 1100 BCE. The opening line tells us there was no king, and suggests this may be the reason for the rampant moral depravity that underpins the activities. In this sense, we may have a pro monarchy writer or writers who are trying to make some other point about the tribe of Benjamin. The scriptural attitude toward the monarchy is ambiguous throughout this section of the Hebrew Bible. 

It is notable that the tribal and geographic information for the characters is very specific, and yet not one individual is named. Why are the Benjies singled out, why does it matter that the “protagonist” is a Levite and why are the two cities of Jabesh-gilead and Gibeah selected as targets.

Another troubling topic is the degree of YHWH’s involvement in the actions of the Israelites as they nearly wipe out one of the tribes, and then try to fix it. YHWH clearly endorses the horrific warfare that results from the Israelite vengeance on the Benjaminites. He provides moral support and strategy for the effort. It is significant that the Israelite army makes its way to see YHWH at Bethel, which means “House of God.” It was about ten miles away from the battlefield.

Not for the first time one is compelled to ask why the loving deity is so fond of slaughter, in this case mass murder of his own people. Literally tens of thousands on both sides are killed over a single incident. A curious passage suggests that the Israelites conclude that they are only following the Lord’s orders and are not really to blame. God did it, not us.

“And the people had compassion on Benjamin because the Lord had made a breach in the tribes of Israel.”  

We are often told that the Bible provides a moral compass, but it’s hard to suss out exactly what the lesson might be in this shit show of a tale. The cowardice of the Levite fellow is not noted, nor is the fact that he lies to the assembled tribes at Mispah.

The misogyny is off the charts of course. The whoring concubine, the gang rape, the double kidnapping of young women with the understanding that they are property to be acquired. All of this is done with the approval if not at the direction of YHWH. Even the old man in Gilbeah offers his own daughter for their pleasure seeking, if only they will not break the rules of hospitality by sodomizing the Levite. 

“Behold, here are my virgin daughter and his concubine.

 Let me bring them out now. Violate them and do with them what seems good to you, but against this man do not do this outrageous thing.” 

Wonder where evangelicals get their patriarchal attitudes?

As a final point of interest, this tale is a creepy echo of Genesis 19, in which the people of Sodom surround a house and demand a male guest. Instead Lot offers his own daughters. That interlude concludes with the destruction of Sodom, followed by Lot mating with his daughters. How did they feel about Dad offering them to the mob? 

Their feelings are not recorded.

In light of the conflicted relationship between Judaism and the offshoot cult known as Christianity, it is ironic that the “Old Testament” prophecies regarding the coming of the savior are so critical to the Christian Messiah narrative. From a Jewish point of view, however, the Messiah was a military leader who would rid Judea of the occupiers (Assyrian, Babylonia, Persian, Greek, Roman). As a warlord, David is the perfect national icon for savior of the Jews, but not as a role model for peace, love and family values.
In scripture, YHWH assures the Judeans multiple times that a member of the Davidic dynasty would always reign from the monarchial throne (1 Kings 11:36, 15:4, 2 Kings 8:19). That didn’t turn out to be true either biblically or in actual history. The Judean monarchy ended in 589 BCE and has not been heard of since.
It is a serious stretch for bible literalists to explain this clear inaccuracy, but that doesn’t stop them from trying. For the purposes of this discussion, however, that specific broken divine promise is not particularly relevant.
Our topic in Part II concerns only the biblical lineage of Jesus and some colorful stops along the way, each associated with a female forebear. There are only five women listed in the timeline between Abraham and Jesus, each associated with a sketchy narrative. The genealogies don’t match.

From Judah to Jesus, the Book of Matthew* identifies five women who contributed to Jesus’s DNA:
Tamar: Canaanite unwed mother
Rahab: Canaanite prostitute
Ruth: Moabite
Bathsheba: Adulteress
Mary: Unwed mother, eternal virgin

Let’s proceed.

GOD KILLS A WANKER AND JUDAH’S INDESCRETION
Continuing on from Part I (previous post), we look in on Jacob/Israel’s fourth son Judah, a tribal chieftain settled in the hills of southern Palestine. We will pick up the story at Genesis 38, which opens with YHWH killing Judah’s first two sons, Er and Onan.

As we saw previously, Judah is ethnically Iraqi and Syrian. He proceeds to marry a Canaanite woman. Canaanites are traditionally considered to also be Arabic, so the offspring of the man who gives his name to the Jewish people are Arabic on all sides. 

YHWH kills Judah’s firstborn son Er and in short order also his younger brother Onan. We don’t know why or how he kills Er, but we do know that Onan was offed because he masturbated away his seed rather than fulfilling his duty to impregnate Er’s widow Tamar. Look up “onanism” in the dictionary.

It is clear from scripture that Onan was punished for not having sex with his sister-in-law. Extra biblical sources tell us that this obligation is stipulated by levirate law, yet levirate law is first encountered in Deuteronomy and would not be given to Moses for hundreds of years. So Onan is punished for breaking a law of the future.

After Er and Onan are murdered by God, Judah has one son remaining, but hesitates to put him in the levirate saddle with Tamar. Considering the fate of the first two sons, this is entirely understandable. 

“Lest peradventure he die also, as his brethren did.” - Gen 38:11 [ KJV] He continues to put Tamar off.

Upon hearing that Judah is planning a sheep shearing road trip with a buddy and concluding that the clan boss is not going to willingly provide her with a mate, Tamar hatches a plan. Posing as a prostitute on the way to the sheep shearing shindig, she entices her father-in-law into her tent. Not recognizing his veiled daughter-in-law, Judah agrees on a kid goat sex fee and takes his pleasure with his sons’ widow. He promises to send her the goat payment later and provides surety by leaving his signet ring, staff and bracelets. The latter were emblematic of his official position as chieftain. 

Upon returning from the sheepfest, Judah is true to his word. He has his friend take a kid goat and go pay the prostitute, but no such person can be found. Puzzled, Judah moves on.

But unlike his hapless son, Judah did not spill his seed. Tamar becomes pregnant with a child who will be a forebear of the Messiah although this is not remotely clear to the casual reader. Three months later, the mean girls in the camp see that the Canaanite widow is showing and report her sinful condition to Judah. As chief of the clan, Judah is the enforcer of the law.

Judah gets on his high horse and commands that Tamar be burned for violating tribal morality standards. He sends for her and prepares to execute her for being an unwed mother. But in an excellent plot twist, Tamar produces the personal items Judah had pledged during their amorous encounter. 

“As she was being brought out, she sent word to her father-in-law, “By the man to whom these belong, I am pregnant.” – Gen 38:25. [ESV]

Rut roh.

Judah reconsiders the death sentence and does a little soul searching. Tamar gives birth to twins: Perez and some other guy. We are not told what happens to Shelah (Judah’s remaining son), but based on the scriptural account all descendants of the tribe of Judah are borne by Tamar. Of interest is the relationship between the illegitimate birth of Jesus and his forebear Perez, offspring of Judah and an unwed Canaanite woman. This is never mentioned in the Sunday School lesson.

Judah’s family tree is picked up again in 1 Chronicles 2 with the chain of holy lineage passing through the following individuals: Perez, Hezron, Ram, Amminadab, Nahshon and Salman. In scriptural accounts, Judah’s dalliance with Tamar is glossed over: 

“Judah the father of Perez and Zerah, whose mother was Tamar.”

In summary, the Savior’s blood line runs through Judah’s unmarried Canaanite daughter in law and not through any of his sons. 

THE CANAANITE HARLOT
Next up in the Messiah’s blood line is Rahab, a good hearted harlot (prostitute) living in the doomed city of Jericho. This biblical era is the period between the putative post-Exodus arrival of the Israelites in Canaan and the implementation of the monarchy with King Saul.

The account of the prostitute Rahab is found in the Book of Joshua. The Israelites send two spies to reconnoiter Jericho in advance of the planned attack. Rahab’s hides two Israelite spies in her home and helps them escape in a basket lowered from the city walls. This act is in exchange for amnesty for her family. During the battle she hangs a red banner outside her window and the Israelite army spares her family.

I am going to take a moment to call out the Christian accounts of Rahab, which interpret her actions being influenced by her love of God, meaning the Christian deity, who is a repurposing of YHWH. If this account were actual history, Rahab would have been a worshipper of El and would not have encountered YHWH yet. In Sunday School lessons she is described as more or less of a good Canaanite in the same sense that Tonto was a good Indian. And of course, the whore thing is not mentioned. But it is equally legitimate to view her as a traitor who enables the enemy who lays waste to her home city.

More fundamentalist Christian sects also argue that it was a different Rahab than the particular harlot found in Joshua, but that is primarily because they don’t like the idea. Therefore, it must not be true. However, there are only few women mentioned in the genealogy at all, and in terms of chronology this Rahab matches up with the Matthew account.

While Jewish extra biblical tradition has Rahab marrying Joshua, the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament) makes no mention of any marriage. If we are to accept the genealogy in Matthew, it has to be Salmon that she marries. The Joshua wedding would not work. 

As an aside, mainstream archeology shows Jericho to have already been destroyed at the time the conquest stores are dated. 

THIS JEWESS ICON IS A MOABITE
This brings us to the tale of Ruth and Boaz. While Ruth is often portrayed as a strong Jewish proto feminist woman, the great grandmother of King David was in fact a Moabite. This introduces another challenging ethnicity into Jesus’s heredity, as the Moabites are much vilified throughout the Hebrew Bible. In a continuation of the incestuous themes that often pop up unexpectedly, the Moabites are descendants of Lot (Abraham’s nephew) and one of his two daughters. Following the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah and the famous pillar of salt event. Many many years ago little Sean kept reading and got into trouble with the pastor by asking questions about Genesis 19. 

Bored in the hills of Zoar, Lot’s daughters throw an all night drunken debauch and mate with their Dad. Their offspring are the Moabites and the Ammonites, both bad bad people. The Moabites are therefore the product of an incestuous father – daughter relationship and therefore tainted. They were worshipers of Chemosh, and not good can come of that.

Not only is it far from clear why the Book of Ruth focuses on a Moabite woman, the entire story of Ruth is unrelated to anything that comes before or after. The main point seems to be that Ruth was a loyal hard-working person, and therefore attracts the attention of Boaz, a Jewish inhabitant of Bethlehem. The tale is convoluted, but ultimately Boaz purchases Ruth’s dead husband’s land back in Moab and acquires her in the bargain. 

“Moreover Ruth the Moabitess, the wife of Mahlon, have I purchased to be my wife.”

Ruth then bears him Obed, who is the father of Jesse and the grandfather of King David. 

THAT’S NO LADY, THAT’S URIAH’S WIFE
King David and his wife/concubine Bathsheba are next up in the Savior’s gene sequence. Again, we have a series of events that fall on the sketchy side of family values. Most garden variety Christians know a watered down version of David and Bathsheba, which is presented almost as a tragic love story about doomed lovers. 

It certainly was tragic for Bathsheba’s first husband Uriah the Hittite, David’s bravest general against the Amalekites, Ammonites, Edomites and Moabites and one of the King’s “mighty men.” The trouble started when David, who was a party animal and likely bi-sexual (modeled after Alexander the Great) saw Bathsheba bathing on her roof, he had her sent over to the palace for a tryst.

David and Bathsheba have a one night stand which results in a pregnancy. David brings Uriah home from battle to spend quality time with his wife so that it would appear that Uriah is the father. Unfortunately, his soldier’s code of honor will not allow this, so David sends him to the front lines to battle the Ammonites, where he is killed. David goes to the trouble of arranging for Uriah’s to men desert him in the battle and leave him to the enemy.

The King marries Uriah’s hot widow, who eventually becomes Solomon’s mother; the line continues twenty-eight generations to Mary, Joseph’s concubine. It is understood that Mary is the mother of Joshua ben Joseph, but matters such as how she remains a virgin while giving birth to Jesus’s siblings and how Jesus acquires a blood line from David are tricky. Mary is not of the House of David and Joseph is not Jesus’s father. These topics will have to be discussed in another Fun Bible Stories essay.

However, note this fascinating final anomaly: It is critical to fulfilling various prophecies that Jesus be from the House of David, in the Matthew genealogy his wife Bathsheba is not even named. 

“David the king begat Solomon of her that had been the wife of Uriah.” [KJV]

Bathsheba reduced to baby maker. Ouch.

 Jesus’s family tree is so important to Christians that the first gospel encountered in the "New Testament" book of Matthew (although not the first one written) opens with an 800 year genealogy that begins with Abraham. The improbability of this genealogy notwithstanding, the objective in including it was legitimize various prophecies that are sketchy in their own right.
 

However, there are numerous stops along the way that are entertaining in their own right, if not downright amusing. And since you are reading Fun Bible Stories, we aim to enlighten and entertain you with some of these narratives. This is not conspiracy theory. It's all right there in the Bible if you chose to read it. >>>>>>>>

 “Only Noah saw it coming,
Forty days and forty nights
Took his sons and daughters with him,
Yeah, they were the Israelites”
 

These lyrics from “All You Zombies,” an otherwise awesome 1984 recording by the Hooters are problematic. Simply put, Noah was neither an Israelite nor a Jew. Furthermore, we don’t have any idea what his ethnic or religious affiliation would have been even if he were not a mythical character. We don’t know how far the imaginary Ark floated before it ended up in Turkey because we have no point of embarkation. We do know that all humans necessarily descended from Noah, biblically speaking.
 

It is stunning how many people get annoyed when informed that Noah was not Jewish, which reveals just how poorly most people understand the biblical timeline. As I have mentioned any number of times, your average garden variety Christian gets their scripture from leftover Sunday School lessons, and if they attend church, they hear only what the pastor selects for that week.
According to the internal Bible timeline, if Noah was real he would have lived around 3,000 BCE. A combination of scripture and actual history points to the fact that there would not be any “Jews” for at least 2,000 years.
 

In fact, it is relatively ambiguous as to when Jews became Jews. There is no question that the term is derived from Judah or Yehuda, an etymological descendant of the Tetragrammaton, four Hebrew letters representing the national god YHWH, sometimes called Yahweh, Yehuda or Jehovah. 

THE PATRIARCHS ARE NOT JEWISH
The most important biblical personage who was not Jewish is Abraham. As the first of the three or four biblical patriarchs Abram/Abraham, is popularly regarded as founding father of the Jewish people and also the patriarch of Islam. He is important to Christians in that the Jesus-based offshoot patriarchal cult relies heavily on Hebrew scripture for both context and scriptural heft.
According to Genesis, not only was Abraham not Jewish, he was the opposite of Jewish: he was Iraqi or Chaldean; in other words, ethnically Arab. Descended from Noah’s son Shem, he was born and raised in Ur, a city in eastern Mesopotamia. You can’t get more Arabic than that. There is nothing in the Bible that indicates the patriarch of the Jewish people was anything but an Arab. Furthermore, his father was an explicitly pagan idol maker.
 

The whole family moves to Haran in Syria and Abraham embraces “the Lord” (in the form of YHWH’s predecessor, the Canaanite deity El). It is not clear why this happened. Although much is written about God choosing him because of his great faith, we don’t really know how he acquired this faith or where the Lord appeared from (absent a burning bush moment such as that experienced by Moses). The first thing we know about their relationship is that the Lord told Abraham to move south.
 

Following God’s instructions, Abraham travels to Canaan and settles there.
 

ABRAHAM’S OFFSPRING:
For our immediate purposes, we will discuss only Abraham’s first two sons: Isaac and Ishmael. Both of these kids are 100% Arab on both sides, but Isaac is Iraqi through his mother Sarah, while Ishmael is half Iraqi and half Egyptian through his mother Hagar the slave.
Continuing with the Abrahamic lineage, we note that the number one patriarch's second son Isaac returned to Syria to find a wife. He weds Rebekah, who is Syrian and therefore Arab. She bears him Jacob and Esau, who are therefore both 100% Arabic. We can move Esau off the board for the time being, noting only that scripture identifies him as forebear of the Edomites, an Arabic people who figure into other Old Testament stories. Note also that Abraham had many other offspring through less important wives, all of whom beget Arabic nations. Indeed, Mohammed, who lived in a polyglot society that included Jews and Christians, reached back millennia to rehabilitate Ishmael (see chart) as the founder of the Arab peoples.
 

Similarly, Isaac’s son Jacob is also instructed to return to Syria to acquire a wife because his father Isaac doesn’t want him marrying the local Canaanite women, who are idolaters. The fact that the Syrians are also idolaters is one of those scriptural mysteries.
In the event, the two wives he does marry are both his cousins, Leah and Rachel. His sketchy uncle is identified as Laban the Syrian, and yet it is not clear why Laban is Syrian and Jacob is not.
Of the 12 (13) tribes, six are descended from Leah and two are descended from Rachel, so members of these eight groups are all Syrian/Iraqi. The remainder are offspring of two slave concubines, who we must assume are also Syrian.
 

At this point, we encounter the term “Israelite” for the first time, as God changes Jacob’s name after an all night wrestling match. It is fascinating that the term means “struggles with god” and equally interesting that the deity at this point is El (Isra-EL) and not YHWH. They are not different names for the same god – they are different gods.
 

It is from Israel’s fourth son Judah that we derive the term Jew. After Palestine* was divided among the tribes (twelve got land portions, the Levites got the temple swag) the region that contained Jerusalem became known as Judea, because the southern kingdom was inhabited by the tribe of Judah and Benjamin. The remaining tribes comprised the northern kingdom, known as Israel. This is all confusing to the modern reader, but it is the first time we get close to anything like historical accuracy (about 1,100 BCE).
 

Judea remained the name of the southern region from that point on, although it was a subject province to other nations for most of this time. Today, the nation of Israel is located in Judea.
There is no point that the Hebrew Bible “converts” the Iraqi/Syrian Israelites to an ethnic/religious group known as Jews. For some period of time, it is logical that the term would have applied specifically to members of the tribe of Judah. As time went on, inhabitants of Judea the Southern Kingdom were identified Jews, as referenced in 2 Kings as “men of Yehuda.” When Judea and Israel went their separate ways around 922 BCE and then again following the destruction of the Northern Kingdom in 722 BCE, use of the term expanded to more generally include the citizens of the Judean region.
 

Because the ten tribes of the north were never mentioned again in scripture, the only remaining populace still identified with the People of Israel was that of the Kingdom of Yehuda. Even though Israel no longer existed.
 

When the deportees returned to the Persian province of Yehud/Judea following the Babylonia exile in 534 BCE, the residents began to specifically assume the identity as “Jews.” The word is therefore marked by an evolving connotation: first members of the tribe, then citizens of a geographic region and finally followers of the ancient desert battle god YHWH. The transition was gradual and ultimately resulted in the word that defines the ethnic origin of this people.
 

Hundreds of years later, Joshua ben Joseph (Joshua also being a derivation of YHWH meaning “Yahweh is salvation”) was born in the Roman province of Judea. And although at this point there is no question that Jesus was Jewish, it is also clear from scripture that his official genealogy was complex and fraught.
 

To see how this came about, we must pick up the thread where we left off with Judah in the middle of Genesis. In Part II, we will see that Jesus’s lineage runs through Tamar, a Canaanite woman who tricks Judah into getting her pregnant.
 

This is just one of the sordid event facts attached to Jesus’s family line, a topic mostly unknown – and if known infrequently discussed – by believing Christians. That will be the topic of Jesus's Lineage Part II in our next Fun Bible Story.
 

 [ Genesis 31 ]

 The curious incident of the speckled sheep and more…\

“May the Lord watch between me and thee, while we are absent one from another.”

Genesis 31 brings us an inspiring scripture snippet that fits seamlessly into any upbeat sermon. Sadly (like Springsteen’s Born in the USA), its actual contextual meaning is the opposite of what most people think (including, apparently, many members of God’s middle management).

Particularly in Genesis, we are treated to multiple installments of Jacob’s bitter disagreements with his father-in-law / uncle “Laban the Syrian,” all of which involve either livestock or his daughters. Indeed, a surprising extent of the Torah concerns itself with livestock management and disputes arising from that vocation.

[As a side observation it is notable that Laban is referenced as the “Syrian.” This means Jacob’s mother (Laban’s sister) is also a Syrian, and therefore Jacob – who literally will give the Israelites his name – is half Syrian. This is strange in that he is expected to acquire his wives from his own people rather than the Canaanites, but his own people are called out as specifically non-Hebrew. Further, his father Isaac is the son of two Iraqis: Abram and Sarai. It’s all just a game of nomenclature, but I do feel the need to point out that no one in the story at this point is “Jewish.” ]

Earlier in our story, Laban tricked Jacob into marrying his ugly daughter Leah. Jacob then has to work another seven years to get to hot Rachel. Laban also tried to cheat Jacob by reducing his wages.

Next (Gen. 30) we are onlookers to a curious sheep breeding incident, in which Jacob deploys magic to thwart Laban with a regressive sheep breeding scheme. In order to persuade Laban to let him leave, Jacob offers to take speckled, streaked or colored goats and lambs, leaving the white sheep for his father-in-law (the scenario is actually more complicated, but the takeaway is that Laban is greedy and Jacob is blessed by the god of his fathers). The imperfect sheep are understood to be less robust for breeding – unless you have YHWH on your farm team. (The narrative scenario is slightly more complicated, but the takeaway is that Laban is greedy and Jacob is blessed by the god of his fathers).

Jacob uses three types of tree branches to tilt the breeding results his way. He finds "rods of green poplar and of the almond and chestnut trees, peeled white strips in them, and exposed the white which was in the rods" to entice the speckled flocks to increase their fertility. To expedite this process, he selectively positions the stripped branches near the stronger females when they are in heat.

There is no indication that God is involved in this process, but the net result is that Jacob once again increases his own wealth by either tricking his father-in-law or simply knowing a neat work around  (depending on your take) that makes speckled sheep breed efficiently. There is of course the ongoing element of trickery on the part of Jacob here: indeed, an objective analysis of Jacob’s character suggests that his ability as a husbandrist far exceeded any other positive character attributes.

So the bad blood continues.

Genesis 31 opens with Jacob sneaking off to Canaan with his family and flocks. He has finally had enough of his no good father-in-law and constant troubles with speckled sheep, fake brides and shorted wages. But soon, Laban and his thuggish home boys catch up with the escaping throng. The Syrian begins complaining about Jacob’s departure. He claims his feelings are hurt because he would have wanted to throw a nice going away party. He whines that Jacob has taken away the precious daughters that Laban sold him as well as all the livestock that is rightfully his.

After an incident involving stolen gods and Rachel’s period (see previous entry), Laban and Jacob air all of their grievances with each other going back two decades. Jacob points out that he had to work fourteen years to acquire the women and another six for the sheep.

Ultimately a pillar is set up and heaped with stones (although both men claim to have set it up and each gives it a different name) to act as a boundary between the two groups. The pillar is to serve as a marker for a new treaty.

“And Laban said to Jacob, Behold this heap, and behold this pillar, which I have cast betwixt me and thee: This heap be witness, and this pillar be witness, that I will not pass over this heap to thee, and that thou shalt not pass over this heap and this pillar unto me, for harm. [KJV]

The deal is basically, you stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine.
The famous but misinterpreted quote occurs here:

“May the Lord watch between me and thee, while we are absent one from another.”

But this is not intended as a rapprochement or feel good farewell. These guys simply don’t trust each other, so they call in El Shaddai as a divine referee. I don’t trust you, so I need God to keep an eye on you.

At this point we are glad to leave the utterly tiresome Laban behind us for good, wondering to some degree what was the point of that cycle?  

 [1 Kings 18:20-4 ]

One of the snarkier stories in the Old Testament is the magic competition between YHWH's prophet Elijah and Ahab's court magicians as they compete to summon their respective deities for the purpose of igniting a sacrificial bull. 

The conflict premise is that King Ahab of the Northern Kingdom of Israel has given evil Jezebel free range to set up her Baal shrines and altars in opposition to the exclusive worship of YHWH.  Elijah is YHWH's representative prophet to the 8th century BCE monarch of the Northern Kingdom of Israel. After challenging King Ahab's  priest/prophets to a mountaintop duel (not unlike Moses's dicksize contest with Pharaoh's priests), Elijah lets them go first. He ties two bulls to the altar and invites the shamen to pick either one, then bring down the sacred fire. After hours of importuning Baal, the fire remains unlit and the distraught Baal guys are engaging in self-harm. This is when Elijah begins to taunt them:

 “Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he is relieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.” 

In other words, he can't light your fire because he is taking a dump. Although the holy scriptures are capable of soaring the great spiritual heights, they also descend surprisingly often into the realm of toilet humor. 

However, in the process of telling it, we can learn a lot about the profession of prophecy and God's ambiguous rules for the practice of magic by the Israelites and their Christian successors in the practice of patriarchal monotheism.

The very term "prophet" is freighted with meanings that do not necessarily apply to the life and times of the Hebrew Bible. While moderns tend to think of Old Testament prophets as "holy men," this is not necessarily true. In the ancient Near East, prophets were all over the place. It was as much a profession as sheep herder or tradesman. There were several classes of  prophet, the most common being a courtier of the kind. In this role, the prophet role may have been similar to that of a priest or shaman. A prophet was therefore a sort of advisor to the King, tasked with interpreting the wishes or instructions of the relevant deity, El, Baal, YHWH or other god.

These were public relations jobs and depended to a large degree on the court's largess.

Elijah was the opposite class of prophet: a freelance trouble maker who spoke truth to power on behalf of God. In the Old Testament, this almost

In a larger context, the Biblical continuum runs from Moses to Joshua ben Joseph, all responsible for trying to keep the Jews on the straight and narrow and generally failing. 

Genesis 31 is an interesting exercise in the curation of Bible Scripture for the consumption of offering paying public. By which I mean, there is a lot of material that doesn’t get recited from the pulpit by the pastor or lay reader because the congregation might say “eeew” and cut back on the donations. Later in the same chapter there also occurs a well known phrase that means something quite different than the standard Sunday School interpretation. 

If you recall in Gen. 29, Uncle Laban tricks Jacob into marrying his ugly daughter Leah. Jacob then has to work another seven years to get to Rachel, the cute but barren one. Laban also tries to cheat Jacob by changing his wages. So the two men have history. But considering that Jacob (whose very name implies craftiness) deceived his brother Esau twice in the process of stealing his birthright and then stole Isaac’s blessing as well, his whining is ironic. 

As the book opens, Jacob is taking his wives, kids and flocks and sneaking off to Canaan. He has finally had enough of his no good father-in-law Laban and especially the issues with speckled sheep and wages. 

However, unbeknownst to her husband, Rachel has stolen her father’s household gods. Little statues likely located on niches around the house or tent. Unaware of the theft, Jacob crosses the Euphrates and heads toward Gilead.

Laban and his henchmen catch up with Jacob, and, in spite of YHWH’s warnings, begins complaining about Jacob’s abrupt departure. He claims his feelings are hurt because he would have wanted to throw a nice going away party. He whines that Jacob has taken away the precious daughters that Laban sold him. Finally, Laban tells us the one thing he simply can’t get over is the theft of his gods.

Not knowing his favorite wife is the guilty party, Jacob promises whoever has stolen the idols “will not live.” All the tents are searched, but to no avail because Rachel has hidden them in her camel’s saddlebag. Sitting on the idols, she demonstrates that she has learned a few things from her trickster Dad and husband. She tells her father than she can’t rise in his presence because she is having her period.

As far as the narrative goes, that is the end of the matter. As obsessed as Laban is with the theft, he lets it go, accepting Rachel’s excuse at face value. We never find out what Rachel does with the statues, or more significantly, why she took them. There is no indication that she destroys them and there is no indication that she intends to worship them on the sly. Meanwhile, Jacob goes off on another tirade about how unfairly he has been treated. 

The nature of these little statues or teraphim is not explained, a plausible indication that the ancient reader is familiar with them. In larger context, they are an interesting component in the narrative contradictions throughout the Hebrew Bible, which have roots in the slow evolution of the Hebrew people from polytheistic to YHWH-only monotheism. 

Now recall that Rebekah sends Jacob back to her homeland because she doesn’t want him to marry an idol worshipping Hittite woman. And yet here is Laban (Rachel’s father) keeping these small idols in his personal shrine. Is he a man of YHWH or not? 

In reality, worship in household shrines was not only common throughout the ancient Near East, it remains a practice among such modern Christian denominations as Catholics, who may have a little house for Mary or a family saint in the home or garden. 

These household statues were items of personal cult worship in opposition to the YHWHcentric communal cult practices that are temple based. In contrast, individuals in the Hebrew Bible are often seen building DIY shrines everywhere they go. Thus we encounter teraphim in other stories: Abraham, the original patriarch, was the son of Terah, who was a manufacturer of teraphim. David’s wife uses them to save him from Saul, there is a very funky interlude in Judges and an Ezekiel reference to the King of Babylon using teraphim for divination. 

In this sense, they are similar to the Urim and Thummim found in the breastplate of the priest’s outfit (See Ex.28:30). There was no particular distinction between “religion” and “magic” in the ancient world and the Hebrews were no exception.

Back there in Sunday School, we were taught the “New Testament” as if it were a chronological story. But the account in the four gospels is anything but.  The version you get in church is cobbled together from accounts Matthew, Mark Luke and John, many of which are either inconsistent with other books or downright contradictory. In the latter category is the sad, cautionary account of how the traitor Judas ended his days. You remember that Judas betrayed his master with a kiss (even though it’s hard to imagine the temple authorities could not pick him out unassisted with the halo over his head, etc.)

Matthew says Judas hanged himself. Acts says he fell down in a field and his guts spilled out. Further, Matthew tells us that he first discarded the silver in the temple, a clear sign of regret and self-hatred over his duplicity.

But in the Acts version, he is less remorseful. He buys himself some land, whereupon he takes a most unfortunate fall. Then, in the particularly truncated chronology of the Bible, his insides more or less explode, a probable sign of divine displeasure. In this telling, it seems as if he no sooner makes the purchase than, boom, his intestines blow up.

So In one case, he takes his own life and in the other, he dies either by the hand of YHWH or by a most unlikely accident. In one case he rejects the money and in the other case he spends it. These are fundamentally different accounts that can’t be reconciled. They are not both true. This doesn’t particularly matter in the telling of the extended Easter story, but it does absolutely matter if you are committed to Bible inerrancy, a sketchy but pervasive world view that insists every word of the Bible is literally true.

Matthew 27:5
“Then Judas, His betrayer, upon seeing that He had been condemned, repented and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the head priests and elders,  saying, “I sinned, by surrendering innocent blood. Then he threw down the pieces of silver in the temple and departed, and went and hanged himself.”

Acts 1:18
“Now this man purchased a field with the wages of iniquity; and falling headlong he burst open in the middle and all his entrails gushed out.”

The inerrancy scholars are not unaware of these contradictions, so they have developed tortured explanations for how the Bible doesn’t really say what it indeed does say. Pretzel Logic, as Steely Dan says. 

On the Answers In Genesis website, brought to you by the folks who run the tax payer subsidized Ark Experience in Kentucky, the reasoning the very definition of a faulty syllogism: the two tales can’t be contradictory because the Bible is inerrant. Thereafter follows an utterly delusional and yet somehow condescending explanation of how these two accounts are both true. After he hanged himself, he fell down and then his intestines burst. Or something. 

But they never get to the other part of the story: what happened to the money? If Judas returned the money to the priests, how did he use it to buy the land? Especially after he committed suicide.

So when you hear the inspiring snippets read from the pulpit on the big money holy days, you are getting only a small segment of what’s really in there. And that is not an accident.

  Well, it wasn’t YHWH directly, it was two she bears. But he sent them because one of his prophets was mad.

Here’s what happened: Elisha (a B-list prophet working for the more famous Elijah) is traveling to Bethel after his boss Elijah smites some waters to allow some “sons of prophets’” to walk between the separated waters of the Jordan River. Yes, this is similar to the crossing of the Red Sea, but not as big a deal. 

As Elijah’s understudy, Elisha now has possession of his master’s  magic mantle and all the responsibilities that go with it.  Elijah has just been taken up into the whirlwind amid chariots of fire and so on, so it is understandable that Elisha is a bit on edge.

So when the kids come around and begin mocking him, it is understandable that he curses them via his special relationship with the Creator of the Universe. 

“And he went up from thence unto Beth-el; and as he was going up by the way, there came forth young lads out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou baldhead; go up, thou baldhead. 24 And he looked behind him and saw them, and cursed them in the name of Jehovah. And there came forth two she-bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two lads of them. 25 And he went from thence to mount Carmel, and from thence he returned to Samaria.”

[ 2 Kings 2 ]

It is not clear whether Jehovah’s bad news bears actually murder the boys or just mauls them. Some translations say “tare” (KJV) and others, more explicitly, say “ripped to pieces.” (New English Translation). Either way, it’s pretty tough love considering the crime.

Why bears? Why female bears? We are not given to know the mind of god, especially when he is in this mood. However, I don’t mind tempting Fate by noting the punishment seems excessive for the actual crime. But then, YHWH is an arbitrary and (let’s face it) bloodthirsty deity who doesn’t mind violating his own commandments. But when you’re god, there are no consequences. 

If you are looking for clues as to the vicious authoritarianism of bible literalists, this is another example. 

BEFORE AND AFTER SODOM AND GOMORRAH WERE DESTROYED

ABRAHAM'S WHINY NEPHEW UNDERPERFORMS

First Lot offers his daughters to a nasty party crowd for sport, then he does the nasty with them two nights in a row.

In an inspiring bible story that mirrors an even more harrowing narrative in the Book of Judges, Genesis 19 supports the reputation of the citizens of Sodom's unsavory reputation. 

The same two angels who are part of composite God in Gen. 18 arrive in the evening at the city gates of Sodom. As luck would have it, none other than Abraham’s nephew Lot is there to greet them. Lot bows and implores them to spend the night at his house, but they initially turn him down. He is adamant, and they end up enjoying an excellent meal at this house. Meanwhile, the citizens of Sodom have their own thoughts on hospitality. They surround the house and demand that Lot send the men (angels) out for a homosexual rape fiesta.

Lot goes outside and tries to talk them out of it. He offers instead his two virgin daughters and tells the Sodom party crowd they can “do what they like with them.”

All he manages to do is aggravate the Sodomites even more, and they begin to threaten him. Comments are made suggesting Lot is an undocumented alien in Sodom, one who now presumes to judge his hosts. Luckily the angels are able to pull him back inside and close the door. They also take the precaution of striking the Sodomites blind.

The men19c apparently have seen enough of the people of Sodom and inform Lot that he should gather his sons, daughters and fiancées and prepare to leave Sodom. 

At dawn, the angels tell Lot to take his wife and daughters and get the hell out of town. Lot, who seems to be a bit of a professional victim, hesitates, and the angels have to lead him to safety. He is told to flee to the mountains and not look back.

The angels rain burning sulfur down on Sodom and Gomorrah, as well as the other cities of the sinful plain. He/they wipe out all the people and vegetation.

Lot’s wife looks back and she is turned into a pillar of salt. Abraham arises the next morning to see smoke coming from the devastated plains, as Lot and his two daughters leave Zoar and settle in a cave in the mountains. At some point, his daughters grow weary of living in the cave, and also realize that with their former fiancées now fried, there is a serious shortage of men. Plus, Mom is a pillar of salt, so Dad is probably a little lonely. The elder of the two suggests to her sister that they get Lot drunk on wine and have sex with him while he is inebriated.19f

On successive nights, the daughters ply Lot with wine and get to know him in the Biblical sense.19g Both of them become pregnant as a result. The older daughter has a son named Moab, who becomes the father of the Moabites. The younger bears a son named Ben-Ammi who is the forebear of the Ammonites. It will be more than five centuries before the Israelites escaping Egypt will come into prolonged conflict with both of these peoples, who have also settled in the interim in the Promised Land.

(Excerpt from True Scripture: Book of Genesis)

THE PATRIARCH LENDS HIS WIFE TO TWO KINGS AND GES RICH:

As is the case with many Bible heroes, we are not clear on why El Shaddai selects any particular individual to receive his favor. 

Abraham, the ultimate patriarch, is a prime example. He seems to be a random Iraqi sheep herder, but the next thing we know Elohim has given him Canaan (although it takes a while for his descendants to take possession.)

One of the stories never mentioned in Bible School is a dual episode of Abraham lending his wife to two regional kings: Pharaoh  and Abimelech, a Philistine king. When you get the Sunday scripture memorization assignment, Genesis 12 and Genesis 20 are not included. 

The story is pretty much the same in both readings. Entering Egypt, Abraham becomes paranoid about the beauty of his wife, fearing the Egyptians will kill him to get to Sarah. So they tell the Egyptians she is his sister. Sure enough, when Pharaoh’s officials see her, they take her to the palace to show the boss. This works out well for Abraham, as he is given sheep, cattle, donkeys, servants and camels in payment for his “sister.” We don’t know how well it worked out for the little wife, but Pharaoh lets Abraha know he has taken her as a wife. So Sarah is temporarily married to two men: one the Pharaoh, the other the patriarch of the proto-Israelites.

All of this causes God to be angry with Pharaoh, although he was deceived. He inflicts serious diseases on his household, the nature of which we are not told. Whatever the malady, Pharaoh makes the connection to Abraham’s sister, and summons him to share his feelings about the deception. The King of the Egyptians angrily sends the Patriarch on his way, but allows him to keep Sarah and the other possessions acquired through Pharaoh's generosity.

Almost the same thing happens in Gen. 20. The ever restless Abraham moves to Gerar, which is in the kingdom of Abimelech. Not one to reinvent the wheel, Abraham once again misrepresents Sarah as his sister, also telling her to support his claim. The King quickly appropriates her as a potential wife, but doesn’t have time to consummate the relationship. Nevertheless, God is angry at Abimelech and threatens his life in a dream. 

One has to appreciate the King James Version of this conversation: “But God came to Abimelech in a dream by night, and said to him, Behold, thou art but a dead man, for the woman which thou hast taken; for she is a man’s wife.” 

Abimelech proves feistier than the Pharaoh, pointing out accurately that not only had Abraham lied to him, but he himself hasn’t touched the elderly lass in any case. Sarah was also in on the scheme, corroborating her husband’s lie. Elohim now acknowledges that the King has a point, but reveals the reason Abimelech didn’t get it on with Sarah is because God Himself benevolently prevented it for Abimelech's own good. So all he has to do is return Sarah and God will be willing to overlook the crime Abimelech didn't know he was committing. 

To make sure God drops the charges, Abimelech once again lays some serious largess on Abraham, not the least of which is one thousand shekels of silver and some female slaves. No harm, no foul. But he does take the opportunity to complain to Abraham again about the lie.

There is a good argument that Abraham acquires his wealth by pimping out his wife. 

God never comments on Abraham's actions, nor is Sarah's reaction recorded. These are the stories in think of when people tell me that we need to Bible to provide moral guidance. The guidance I see is reinforcement of the tribal "us vs. them" motif that runs throughout.

THE REAL PHILISTINES WERE LIKELY TROJAN WAR REFUGEES

Today's Fun Bible Story is about the much vilified people known as the "Philistines,' (or Peleset) an ancient people who occupied the Mediterranean coast concurrently with the Hebrew Bible events of Genesis - Jeremiah. To this day, they are identified with barbarians and lack of culture, when this is the opposite of the historical truth. Throughout the Hebrew Bible and especially in the Books of Moses, any ethnic peoples who were not the Hebrews or proto-Israelites were vilified.

DID YOU KNOW: The term Palestine is derived from the word Philistine.

Most people know this people primarily as the enemies of the Jews, especially as depicted in the fairly tales of Samson and Delilah and David and Goliath. Bad Philistines, worshipers of pagan gods. 

Historically and archeologically speaking, the Philistines were known as the Sea Peoples. They were proto Greeks who migrated from the Aegean to the Levantine coast shortly after the Trojan War concluded in about 1200 BCE. This movement was likely part of an massive disruption of civilization known as the Late Bronze Age Collapse. It was also shortly after the Exodus story would have taken place if it had actually taken place. However, the Exodus tradition reflects a group memory of traumatic events that convulsed the region that emerged as to Early Iron Age.

__________

------ DID YOU KNOW? ------

When the Philistines captured the Ark of the Covenant in 1 Samuel, YHWH punished them by giving them hemorrhoids, which made them give it back filled with presents*

" And it was so, that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the Lord was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts." [KJV]

__________

The pre-Israelites were an emerging Canaanite tribal confederation who occupied the hill country around Jerusalem. The more advanced Philistines were settled on the coast by Pharaoh Ramesses III , concentrated in five major trading cities.  Gath, Ashdod, Ashkelon, Ekron, and Gaza. Gaza is the same location as the troubled Gaza strip of modernish times. In general, Philistia was more urban than the hill country societies. Hence the ongoing conflict. However, as time passed, the Philistines and Canaanite/Hebrews also integrated their cultures, intermarried (see Samson) and exchanged gods.

In addition to the better known biblical Philistine tales, consider these:

In Genesis, after pimping his wife Sarah to Pharaoh, Abraham turns around and lends her to a Philistine king named Abimelech for his harem. The fact that the Philistines did not yet exist, nor would they show up in the region for almost 1,000 years in no way diminishes the bible lesson: if you lend your wife to a King, he will give you presents. 

It is also overlooked on purpose that the Warlord cum King of Israel led a bunch of merry men comprised of Philistines while he was on the lam from King Saul. Samson himself hung out with Philistines, whence he sources the evil Delilah.

The Assyrians defeated and deported the population of Philistia, along with the ten Hebrew tribes of the Northern Kingdom of Israel. All of these peoples disappear from history, if not from conspiracy theory.

******

*The Ark was supposed to contain the tablets of the Law and other items, but it is not clear from this narrative if there was enough room.

 SACRIFICING YOUR TEEN DAUGHTER  (Judges 11)

When it comes to book banning initiatives, one wonders why any family values person would want their impressionable child exposed to the Book of Judges in the Bible. In particular, let's talk a little bit about Judges 11, in which warlord  Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to thank YHWH for victory over the evil Ammonites. 

The story: on the way to fight the Ammonites - Canaanite types who who had been resistant to the Israelites' taking over their land - Jephthah vows to sacrifice whatever or whomever he first encounters after the victory.

"And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the Lord, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands,

Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the Lord's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering." - [KJV]

The good news is that Jephthah won the battle, but unfortunately, when he returns to his house, his unnamed daughter comes out the door to help him celebrate. 

Jephthah feels pretty bad and rends his clothes. He gives her a few months to hang out with her friends, and then he sacrifices her.

YHWH has nothing to say about it one way or the other, and certainly doesn't prevent it. Compare this scenario to the of Abraham, who is willing to sacrifice Isaac until YHWH calls it off.

A fascinating aspect of this story is the effort by Bible apologists to claim that he didn't necessarily go ahead with it. The language is tricky, suggesting that the scripture doesn't clearly say he barbeques his kid. I can only assume these writers are hoping no one grabs their good book to verify this claim. 

Here is what the passage says:

"And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed: and she knew no man. And it was a custom in Israel,

40 That the daughters of Israel went yearly to lament the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite four days in a year."

That is the King James Version, but all translations say the same thing with little variation:  He made good on his vow, which was to sacrifice his daughter.

And now class, how can we apply with biblical wisdom to our own daily lives?.

THE PATRIARCH LENDS HIS WIFE TO TWO KINGS AND GES RICH:

As is the case with many Bible heroes, we are not clear on why El Shaddai selects any particular individual to receive his favor. 

Abraham, the ultimate patriarch, is a prime example. He seems to be a random Iraqi sheep herder, but the next thing we know Elohim has given him Canaan (although it takes a while for his descendants to take possession.)

One of the stories never mentioned in Bible School is a dual episode of Abraham lending his wife to two regional kings: Pharaoh  and Abimelech, a Philistine king. When you get the Sunday scripture memorization assignment, Genesis 12 and Genesis 20 are not included. 

The story is pretty much the same in both readings. Entering Egypt, Abraham becomes paranoid about the beauty of his wife, fearing the Egyptians will kill him to get to Sarah. So they tell the Egyptians she is his sister. Sure enough, when Pharaoh’s officials see her, they take her to the palace to show the boss. This works out well for Abraham, as he is given sheep, cattle, donkeys, servants and camels in payment for his “sister.” We don’t know how well it worked out for the little wife, but Pharaoh lets Abraha know he has taken her as a wife. So Sarah is temporarily married to two men: one the Pharaoh, the other the patriarch of the proto-Israelites.

All of this causes God to be angry with Pharaoh, although he was deceived. He inflicts serious diseases on his household, the nature of which we are not told. Whatever the malady, Pharaoh makes the connection to Abraham’s sister, and summons him to share his feelings about the deception. The King of the Egyptians angrily sends the Patriarch on his way, but allows him to keep Sarah and the other possessions acquired through Pharaoh's generosity.

Almost the same thing happens in Gen. 20. The ever restless Abraham moves to Gerar, which is in the kingdom of Abimelech. Not one to reinvent the wheel, Abraham once again misrepresents Sarah as his sister, also telling her to support his claim. The King quickly appropriates her as a potential wife, but doesn’t have time to consummate the relationship. Nevertheless, God is angry at Abimelech and threatens his life in a dream. 

One has to appreciate the King James Version of this conversation: “But God came to Abimelech in a dream by night, and said to him, Behold, thou art but a dead man, for the woman which thou hast taken; for she is a man’s wife.” 

Abimelech proves feistier than the Pharaoh, pointing out accurately that not only had Abraham lied to him, but he himself hasn’t touched the elderly lass in any case. Sarah was also in on the scheme, corroborating her husband’s lie. Elohim now acknowledges that the King has a point, but reveals the reason Abimelech didn’t get it on with Sarah is because God Himself benevolently prevented it for Abimelech's own good. So all he has to do is return Sarah and God will be willing to overlook the crime Abimelech didn't know he was committing. 

To make sure God drops the charges, Abimelech once again lays some serious largess on Abraham, not the least of which is one thousand shekels of silver and some female slaves. No harm, no foul. But he does take the opportunity to complain to Abraham again about the lie.

There is a good argument that Abraham acquires his wealth by pimping out his wife. 

God never comments on Abraham's actions, nor is Sarah's reaction recorded. These are the stories in think of when people tell me that we need to Bible to provide moral guidance. The guidance I see is reinforcement of the tribal "us vs. them" motif that runs throughout.

BEFORE AND AFTER SODOM AND GOMORRAH WERE DESTROYED

ABRAHAM'S WHINY NEPHEW UNDERPERFORMS

First Lot offers his daughters to a nasty party crowd for sport, then he does the nasty with them two nights in a row.

In an inspiring bible story that mirrors an even more harrowing narrative in the Book of Judges, Genesis 19 supports the reputation of the citizens of Sodom's unsavory reputation. 

The same two angels who are part of composite God in Gen. 18 arrive in the evening at the city gates of Sodom. As luck would have it, none other than Abraham’s nephew Lot is there to greet them. Lot bows and implores them to spend the night at his house, but they initially turn him down. He is adamant, and they end up enjoying an excellent meal at this house. Meanwhile, the citizens of Sodom have their own thoughts on hospitality. They surround the house and demand that Lot send the men (angels) out for a homosexual rape fiesta.

Lot goes outside and tries to talk them out of it. He offers instead his two virgin daughters and tells the Sodom party crowd they can “do what they like with them.”

All he manages to do is aggravate the Sodomites even more, and they begin to threaten him. Comments are made suggesting Lot is an undocumented alien in Sodom, one who now presumes to judge his hosts. Luckily the angels are able to pull him back inside and close the door. They also take the precaution of striking the Sodomites blind.

The men19c apparently have seen enough of the people of Sodom and inform Lot that he should gather his sons, daughters and fiancées and prepare to leave Sodom. 

At dawn, the angels tell Lot to take his wife and daughters and get the hell out of town. Lot, who seems to be a bit of a professional victim, hesitates, and the angels have to lead him to safety. He is told to flee to the mountains and not look back.

The angels rain burning sulfur down on Sodom and Gomorrah, as well as the other cities of the sinful plain. He/they wipe out all the people and vegetation.

Lot’s wife looks back and she is turned into a pillar of salt.19e

Abraham arises the next morning to see smoke coming from the devastated plains, as Lot and his two daughters leave Zoar and settle in a cave in the mountains. At some point, his daughters grow weary of living in the cave, and also realize that with their former fiancées now fried, there is a serious shortage of men. Plus, Mom is a pillar of salt, so Dad is probably a little lonely. The elder of the two suggests to her sister that they get Lot drunk on wine and have sex with him while he is inebriated.19f

On successive nights, the daughters ply Lot with wine and get to know him in the Biblical sense.19g Both of them become pregnant as a result. The older daughter has a son named Moab, who becomes the father of the Moabites. The younger bears a son named Ben-Ammi who is the forebear of the Ammonites. It will be more than five centuries before the Israelites escaping Egypt will come into prolonged conflict with both of these peoples, who have also settled in the interim in the Promised Land.

(Excerpt from True Scripture: Book of Genesis)

THE REAL PHILISTINES WERE LIKELY TROJAN WAR REFUGEES

Today's Fun Bible Story is about the much vilified people known as the "Philistines,' (or Peleset) an ancient people who occupied the Mediterranean coast concurrently with the Hebrew Bible events of Genesis - Jeremiah. To this day, they are identified with barbarians and lack of culture, when this is the opposite of the historical truth. Throughout the Hebrew Bible and especially in the Books of Moses, any ethnic peoples who were not the Hebrews or proto-Israelites were vilified.

DID YOU KNOW: The term Palestine is derived from the word Philistine.

Most people know this people primarily as the enemies of the Jews, especially as depicted in the fairly tales of Samson and Delilah and David and Goliath. Bad Philistines, worshipers of pagan gods. 

Historically and archeologically speaking, the Philistines were known as the Sea Peoples. They were proto Greeks who migrated from the Aegean to the Levantine coast shortly after the Trojan War concluded in about 1200 BCE. This movement was likely part of an massive disruption of civilization known as the Late Bronze Age Collapse. It was also shortly after the Exodus story would have taken place if it had actually taken place. However, the Exodus tradition reflects a group memory of traumatic events that convulsed the region that emerged as to Early Iron Age.

__________

------ DID YOU KNOW? ------

When the Philistines captured the Ark of the Covenant in 1 Samuel, YHWH punished them by giving them hemorrhoids, which made them give it back filled with presents*

" And it was so, that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the Lord was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts." [KJV]

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The pre-Israelites were an emerging Canaanite tribal confederation who occupied the hill country around Jerusalem. The more advanced Philistines were settled on the coast by Pharaoh Ramesses III , concentrated in five major trading cities.  Gath, Ashdod, Ashkelon, Ekron, and Gaza. Gaza is the same location as the troubled Gaza strip of modernish times. In general, Philistia was more urban than the hill country societies. Hence the ongoing conflict. However, as time passed, the Philistines and Canaanite/Hebrews also integrated their cultures, intermarried (see Samson) and exchanged gods.

In addition to the better known biblical Philistine tales, consider these:

In Genesis, after pimping his wife Sarah to Pharaoh, Abraham turns around and lends her to a Philistine king named Abimelech for his harem. The fact that the Philistines did not yet exist, nor would they show up in the region for almost 1,000 years in no way diminishes the bible lesson: if you lend your wife to a King, he will give you presents. 

It is also overlooked on purpose that the Warlord cum King of Israel led a bunch of merry men comprised of Philistines while he was on the lam from King Saul. Samson himself hung out with Philistines, whence he sources the evil Delilah.

The Assyrians defeated and deported the population of Philistia, along with the ten Hebrew tribes of the Northern Kingdom of Israel. All of these peoples disappear from history, if not from conspiracy theory.

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*The Ark was supposed to contain the tablets of the Law and other items, but it is not clear from this narrative if there was enough room.

 SACRIFICING YOUR TEEN DAUGHTER  (Judges 11)

When it comes to book banning initiatives, one wonders why any family values person would want their impressionable child exposed to the Book of Judges in the Bible. In particular, let's talk a little bit about Judges 11, in which warlord  Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to thank YHWH for victory over the evil Ammonites. 

The story: on the way to fight the Ammonites - Canaanite types who who had been resistant to the Israelites' taking over their land - Jephthah vows to sacrifice whatever or whomever he first encounters after the victory.

"And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the Lord, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands,

Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the Lord's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering." - [KJV]

The good news is that Jephthah won the battle, but unfortunately, when he returns to his house, his unnamed daughter comes out the door to help him celebrate. 

Jephthah feels pretty bad and rends his clothes. He gives her a few months to hang out with her friends, and then he sacrifices her.

YHWH has nothing to say about it one way or the other, and certainly doesn't prevent it. Compare this scenario to the of Abraham, who is willing to sacrifice Isaac until YHWH calls it off.

A fascinating aspect of this story is the effort by Bible apologists to claim that he didn't necessarily go ahead with it. The language is tricky, suggesting that the scripture doesn't clearly say he barbeques his kid. I can only assume these writers are hoping no one grabs their good book to verify this claim. 

Here is what the passage says:

"And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed: and she knew no man. And it was a custom in Israel,

40 That the daughters of Israel went yearly to lament the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite four days in a year."

That is the King James Version, but all translations say the same thing with little variation:  He made good on his vow, which was to sacrifice his daughter.

And now class, how can we apply with biblical wisdom to our own daily lives?.