Noah BarBecues The Animals he has just saved

WARNING: MASS ANIMAL BARBEQUE

CONTEXT: ~ 2350 BCE (Traditional date based on Old Testament timeline)

The first sacrifice in the Hebrew Bible takes place neither at the altars set up by the patriarchs nor is it the YHWH cult offerings set out in painful detail beginning in the Book of Exodus. In fact, the earliest animal barbeque occurs in Genesis 8, just after Noah lands the big Ark boat after 150 days floating around Turkey and Armenia. 

Shockingly, the very first thing he does is have a big ole animal barbecue to thank El for helping save the animals. That is what is says; the text is not ambiguous.
 

“And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar. And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more everything living, as I have done.”  
 

The sacrifice of “every” clean animal and bird carries with it all kinds of uncomfortable implications, not the least of which is: Why did Noah save the poor beasts if he was just going to kill and grill them? The confusion between the “two by two” and “seven by seven” versions becomes much more important in this context, as does God’s clear indication that an important part of the mission is to save the animals. If Noah brought along only pairs, then the sacrifice of every animal or even one of each pair would finish the job the Flood started.
 

It also brings up an awkward question: where did modern clean animals come from? Literalists have answers for all these questions, but they are rhetorically unsound.* By rhetorically unsound, I mean idiotic. One theory is that the animals all got pregnant on the Ark and had baby animals. What a mess!  
 

Consider that giraffes have a gestation period of fifteen months. So the fact that we have giraffes in the modern world is another biblical miracle.

Another surprising contradiction immediately precedes the animal genocide.

Although the fairy tale version of “Noah’s Ark” tells us that he boarded species from all around the planet in mated pairs (two by two), the actual scriptural account is a little trickier: 

In Genesis 6:19 Noah is commanded to bring aboard the male and female of all living creatures for the purpose of keeping them alive.6f God expands this command: Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground.

“And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female.” [KJV]

But in the next chapter having explicitly and clearly told Noah to bring aboard two of every species, God tells Noah to take with him seven pairs of every clean animal, seven pairs of every bird and two of every unclean animal.

We're going to pause for a “It's not you...it's the Bible” break. You have probably noticed that God has now changed his instructions regarding the quantities of animals, birds etc. to be taken aboard the Ark. First, it was one pair each of every sort (two of all living creatures), but now it’s seven pairs each. And that is exactly what it says in any mainstream version of the Bible. Over the years, literalist Bible scholars (those who believe every word in the Bible is true as dictated by God and written down by Moses) have generated an enormous amount of pretzel logic explaining why the passage that says to take seven pairs of each animal does not contradict the passage (four verses previously) that says to take one pair of “all living things.” But it does indeed contradict it. Usually this sort of discussion will be found in the foot notes, but Fun Bible Stories wants you to understand that this is a common occurrence in the Bible. Check your own Bible from Genesis 6:20 to 7:3 to form your own opinion. 

See? It’s not you.

Regarding clean and unclean animals: children in Sunday School have been known to wonder aloud why Noah didn't just give the unclean animals a bath. Many adults know that the reference here is to future Jewish dietary laws given to Moses. Unfortunately, God will not inform mankind or Noah what animals are clean and unclean until Leviticus, at least a thousand years in the future. 

Remember: Noah wasn't Jewish!

While this would leave more wiggle room if Noah wants to slaughter thousands of animals, they can’t both be accurate. How did Noah know which animals were clean and unclean, since this key info will not be laid out for a couple thousand years.

__________________________________ NOTES_________________________________
1. Biblical apologists have a number of dodges that attempt to make sense of textural material that makes no sense. Among these efforts is a claim that this doesn't mean all the animals. Here's a more or less official list: lions, cattle, sheep, goat, deer, gazelle, camels, rabbits and pigs. No elephants, zebras or of course, pigs. Why does the creator of the universe care? Another bible mystery.
 

2. By rhetorically unsound, I mean idiotic.