The Old Testament is chock full of magical creatures such as the Nephilim (giants), Leviathan (sea monster), Behemoth (a hippopotamus monster) and your essential angelic host. But it’s hard to beat the down-home appeal of Balaam’s talking donkey in the Book of Numbers (which also features a bad ass armed angel). Without this bit of obscure scripture, there may never have been a Mr. Ed.
With Israelite hordes camped on his border, the King of Moab panics and calls Balaam to curse the chosen people before they invade. Although he is a Syrian/Iraqi, the sorcerer Balaam is well known for being on great terms with YHWH, the god of the Israelites. King Barak sends emissaries to Balaam, but the Lord warns him not to curse his people. Barak sends higher level officials with a better offer. This time God tells Balaam he can make the trip, but only if he follows strict instructions.
With the permission of YHWH and mounted on his faithful donkey, Balaam accompanies the Moabite courtiers. For unexplained reasons, God seems to have changed his mind and now he is so angry he sends an angel to block the shaman’s way. The donkey can see the angel but Balaam can’t. The beast of burden avoids the angel’s sword by leaving the path, but incurs the wrath of Balaam. The sorcerer punishes the ass several times with his staff, until the donkey has enough and starts talking back.
The donkey admonishes his master, at which point, Balaam sees and hears the angel. The flying warrior explains that the magician is lucky the ass saved his ass, because otherwise the angel would have killed him while allowing the donkey to live.
Ultimately, the talking donkey incident comes to nothing as Balaam continues on to the Moabite court. In three separate elaborate altar sacrifices, Balaam wastes the king’s time and torches his livestock. Instead of thrice cursing the chosen people he blesses them instead. When Balak complains, Balaam explains they he can only speak the words YHWH put in his mouth.
The story continues with murder, fornication and genocide, resulting in destruction of the Moabites, Edomites, Amalekites, Midianites and other undesirables. Sadly, Balaam’s reputation trends inexplicitly downward in brief references throughout the rest of the Bible, finally reaching bottom in Revelation 2.
EXTENDED STORY: THE DONKEY THAT WON'T STOP GIVING
Balaam is an unlikely Biblical protagonist, an Iraqi or Syrian from Mesopotamia who enjoys a reputation among the heathen as a shaman/soothsayer with a special relationship with YHWH.*
The troubles begin in Num. 22, as the Israelite masses** head into the territory of Moab, camping on the plains east of the Jordan after forty years of wandering. This causes sleepless nights for King Balak, and with good reason.**
“This horde is going to lick up everything around us, as an ox licks up the grass of the field.” - Num 22:4 [KJV]
Among the standard services of a sorcerer is the throwing of curses, exactly the sort of magic Balak needs to prevent an Israelite invasion. Intending to offer Balaam a hefty curse commission, the king sends his officials on a five hundred mile journey to summon Balaam. The magician invites the emissaries to stay overnight while he confers with YHWH. When he explains things to God, the Israelite deity instructs him to hold off on the curse. He points out that Balaam can’t curse the people because they are already blessed.
The officials return to Balak and inform the king that Balaam won’t do the curse. Balak sends higher level officials to sweeten the offer, even dangling a position in the Moabite court. Balaam turns him down again emphatically, but oddly, while the king’s men are resting for the night, the Lord advises Balaam he can go with the men after all. Enigmatically, God tells the shaman that he has to follow YHWH’s instructions to the letter.
“..Go with them; but only the word which I speak unto thee, that shalt thou do.” [ASV]
Even though YHWH has clearly granted permission to travel, confusion arises: when Balaam rides out on his donkey, God become agitated. He stations one of this sword wielding angels on the road, blocking the way. If deployment of a sword wielding angel is any indication, he has not been this pissed since the Garden of Eden.
The donkey sees the angel and moves off the path. Balaam does not see the angel, so he smites the donkey. After some maneuvering, the angel positions itself in the middle of a very narrow path, causing the donkey to smash his master’s foot against the wall. Balaam strikes the donkey again with his staff, causing the animal to simply lie down. This leads to more beatings.
At this point, the donkey verbally admonishes Balaam, asking what she had ever done to deserve this angry abuse. Expressing no surprise to be speaking with a talking animal, Balaam muses that he wishes he had a sword so he could kill the donkey for mocking him.
At this point God allows him to see the angel, who admonishes Balaam for striking the donkey. The angel points out that if it weren’t for the donkey turning aside, he would have killed Balaam already. Balaam is pretty sorry about all this and suggests that he turn right around and go back.
But God, using the same ambiguous language as previously, instructs Balaam to go with the king’s men. As before, he is only what he is told. Donkey beating notwithstanding, it is hard not to have a little sympathy for the very confused Balaam: Except for allowing an innocent donkey to be wacked about, God has accomplished nothing but create a nice bit of Sunday School fodder.
At this point Balaam is still traveling with Balak’s representatives, whose reaction to the talking donkey and angel confrontation is not recorded. On arrival, the King of Moab comes out to meet Balaam and throws him a feast. In the morning they all go up to the heights dedicated to the Moabite god Baal. From this vantage they can see the vast encampment of the Israelites below. Following Balaam’s instructions, Balak builds seven altars and sacrifices a bull and a ram on each one.
But instead of cursing the Israelites, Balaam blesses them with a rambling poem. King Balak expresses his feelings of surprise and profound disappointment, to which Balaam replies, “Did you want me to go against the wishes of YHWH?”
Nonplussed but undeterred, Balak insists on trying the hex again. He takes Balaam to a field, and attempts to persuade him to curse the Israelites from a different angle. His argument seems to be that Balaam will only be cursing a portion of the refugees. After setting up seven more altars and barbequing fourteen more animals, God gives Balaam another inscrutable parable, which again is a blessing and not a curse. In the parable, Barak exalts the accomplishments of the Hebrew monarchy, which will not exist for two hundred more years.***
Balak is so mad that he claps his hands together and threatens Balaam. However, when he falls for the sorcerer’s “build me seven altars” bit the third time, he really has to blame himself.
Nevertheless, this sequence of events takes place a third and final time. At the summit of Mt. Peor, King Balak again builds seven altars and kills more animals, but ultimately Balaam won’t curse the Israelites. From the king's point of view, this last prophesy is even more alarming, beginning with the imminent conquest of Moab. The only thing he has to show for his trouble is a lot of blackened livestock and some bad news about the future.
Balaam then goes out into the wilderness and issues an extended blessing. These final three prophecies don’t make much sense unless they are understood to have been written and edited about a thousand years later, reflecting the political status of that era.
One could wish and hope this was the end of this tale, but it is not. Balaam goes into a trance and makes a series of troubling predictions, all of which involve wiping out various ethnic groups. This begins with Edom, the state over which Balaam’s brother reigns and also includes the Moabites, Amalekites and the Kenites. We are not talking about standard warfare here, but rather explicit genocide.
The rest of Balaam’s career is laid out piecemeal in a series of later scriptural entries that take us right up to the End of Days.
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