KING DAVID AND THE PHILISTINE FORESKINS

 2 Samuel 18 

In which David pays for his bride with severed penis parts

In the course of describing our American creation myth, the concept of “taking a scalp” arose when brave American patriots were fighting indigenous inhabitants who – like Canaanites – were unhappy about white people stealing their land.  Scalping was the removal of the hair and top of the head as a battle trophy and further served as proof for bounty payments.

In the case of Late Bronze Age biblical battles, trophies were a little more personal: the foreskin from the dead warrior’s penis. 

In this brief interlude, we follow the beginning of David’s career as he enjoys the limelight after slaying Goliath. After David defeats the Philistine champion, King Saul becomes concerned with the young shepherd’s growing popularity and success as a military leader. He is jealous that the women are proclaiming David’s military prowess.

“Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.” - 1 Samuel 18:6

In order to get rid of David without being blamed for it, Saul comes up with a plan to bestow Princess Merab unto David, while pushing him into a more prominent place in the army. Saul wants to set things up so that David dies in battle so that Saul isn’t blamed for his death. 

Sound familiar? Many years later when David is King of Isreal, he sends one of his generals to his death in battle so that he can steal his wife Bathsheba.

David rejects the first offer, but ends up in the cross hairs of another daughter instead. At this point in the story, Saul’s daughter Michal is said to love him. There is some indication that Saul believes Michal is a liability who will somehow make it more likely that David will die in battle.

However, when the king suggests he marry his other daughter, David points out that he is a poor man with no dowry. 

Not a problem, says Saul: just bring me the foreskins of a hundred Philistines. This would entail killing the soldiers, then removing the foreskin from their penises.  The plan is for David to get himself killed while hunting trophy penis parts among the Philistines. The foreskins would have been proof that the involuntary donator was not an Israelite, because there would have been no foreskin on an Israelite. 

Naturally, young David proves himself a mensch once again by exceeding expectations: he doubles down by presenting King Saul with two hundred foreskins as a dowry and the nuptial deal is sealed (because what betrothed doesn’t want to brag about her dowry to her friends). Thus, two hundred dead and mutilated Philistines gave their lives so the future King could have a nice down payment for the bride.

Michal’s response to this honor is not recorded. However, the marriage later seems to have encountered challenges, especially after Michal criticized David for dancing and celebrating a little too much after the King brought the Ark of the Covenant back to Israel. The portrayal of David as a man who loved music and dancing and was not averse to getting naked when the mood was upon him is consistent throughout the biblical narrative.

We do get some appreciation of how the Creator builds order into the universe by designing the male organ with a foreskin. This simple expedient allows fast identification of who is a Hebrew and who is not. There are a surprising number of bible stories in which abrupt circumcision is a factor, including Moses’s wife doing speed surgery to save Moses’s life, a group circumcision in which the hundred year old Abram gets a new phallus look and the horrific butchery of the men of Shechem.

However, this is the only episode in which the penis tips were offered as a down payment for a wedding.