GENESIS  12:10-20 &  GENESIS 20: 1-18 

Abraham – whose existence is dated in the Biblical timeline at about 2,000 BCE– is portrayed as founding father of Judaism, Christianity and Islam. In this rarely mentioned episode, the biblical patriarch pimps out his wife to Pharaoh for personal gain…and then to a Canaanite king.

STORY HERE 

MATTHEW 2

There are any number of fascinating discrepancies and sketchy premises about the bunch of mythical Eastern astrologers who rode 600 miles bearing incense and topical pain relievers to a newborn: how many Magi made the road trip, what they were riding and what's up with the shaky navigation?

STORY HERE

A random Levite and his hard partying concubine are accosted by townspeople, who want to have sex with him. He sends his concubine out instead, but she he raped to death by the townspeople. He cuts up her body, sends the parts to the other tribes and the genocidal fun begins.

STORY HERE

BOOK of 1 ENOCH: The Watchers

 The Book of 1 Enoch is a highly entertaining  account of the deeds of the fallen angels of Biblical legend. The Watchers stands as a nascent example of the fantasy and science fiction genre.  

STORY HERE

GENESIS 8

 “And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar."  That's what it says. After saving all the animals on earth he sacrifices them.

STORY HERE

EXODUS 4 

“When you return to Egypt, see that you perform before Pharaoh all the wonders I have given you the power to do. But I will harden his heart so that he will not let the people go.” 

God brags about controlling Pharaoh's actions.

STORY HERE

WARNING: SUICIDE BY HANGING, EXPLODING INTENSTINES

According to the Bible, Judas may have hanged himself, or his guts may have exploded when he fell down. We have two conflicting New Testament stories of the same event. Both accounts can't be true.

STORY HERE

 WARNING! WORKING ON THE SABBATH CARRIES THE DEATH PENALTY

“Six days work shall be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a Sabbath of solemn rest, holy to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it shall be put to death.”

Clear enough?

STORY HERE

CONTAINS INCEST, RAPE AND COWARDICE

Before and after Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot seriously underperforms in the moral department. First Abraham’s nephew offers his daughters to a horny party crowd, then does the nasty with the girls two nights running

STORY HERE

Jesus’s family tree is so important to Christians that the first gospel in the "New Testament" opens with an 2000 year genealogy starting with Abraham. However, there are numerous stops along this timeline that are enlightening, perplexing and more or less hilarious.

STORY HERE

 From Judah to Jesus, we encounter five women who contribute to Jesus’s DNA:

Tamar: Canaanite unwed mother
Rahab: Canaanite prostitute
Ruth: Moabite
Bathsheba: Adulteress
Mary: Unwed mother, eternal virgin.

STORY HERE

An interesting exercise in the curation of Bible Scripture, this fascinating tale doesn’t get recited from the pulpit, due the fact that it involves feminine hygiene. The underlying theme is the question of just how how committed to YHWH the early Hebrews really were..

STORY HERE

2 KINGS 2

It wasn’t YHWH directly, it was two she bears working for him who mauled and killed the boys. But God sent the bears because one of his prophets was angry and hurt because the boys made fun of Elisha, a B list prophet with a balding pate.

STORY HERE 

JUDGES 11

 "And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the Lord, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house I will offer it up for a burnt offering." - [KJV] And that's what he does. 

STORY HERE

JUDGES 16 | 1 SAMUEL 1

From Samson and Delilah to David and Goliath: The much vilified people known as the "Philistines' (or Peleset) were a cultured ancient people who occupied the Gaza coast beginning about 1100 BC. God afflicted them with hemorrhoids. 

STORY HERE

GENESIS 30 - 31

The curious incident of the speckled sheep and an inspiring scripture snippet that fits seamlessly into any upbeat sermon. Sadly, its actual contextual meaning is the opposite of what most people think (including, apparently, many members of God’s middle management).

STORY HERE

1 KINGS 18:20-4

Featuring Mt. Carmel magic competition between YHWH's prophet Elijah and King Ahab's court magicians as they compete to summon their respective deities for the purpose of igniting a sacrificial bull. The nation of Israel is taking the day off to watch..

STORY HERE

2 SAMUEL 18 

When King Saul suggests David marry his other daughter, but David points out that he has  with no dowry. Sau says just bring me the foreskins of a 100 Philistines, which would provide proof that the involuntary donator was not an Israelite. David exceeds expectations!

STORY HERE

 (A retelling of Ludlul bēl nēmeqi (Sumerian Poem of the Righteous Sufferer)

Job is not necessarily the faithful doormat of common legend and the man can do a lament as well as any of the Babylonian exiles. The lesson is not really about Job's patience, but most of the Book of Job never gets taught. 

STORY HERE

NUMBERS 22 – 27 |  DEUTERONOMY. 23:4

Murder, fornication, livestock abuse: The Old Testament is full of magical creatures, but it’s hard to beat the down-home appeal of Balaam’s talking donkey in Numbers (also featuring a bad ass armed angel).

STORY HERE

 With no break or warning, Exodus 4 drops us into one of the strangest, most disturbing and bewildering incidents in the Bible. Moses is grudgingly making his way to Egypt, when he is waylaid by none other than the LORD, who intends to murder him. Luckily, his Arabic wife Zipporah saves the day with her flint knife.

STORY HERE

In which young Jesus brings mud sparrows to life, kills the high priest’s son, knocks off another kid who bumps him, humiliates his first teacher, resurrects a wood cutter, kills his second teacher and brings a construction worker back to life.

STORY HERE

COULD STING BE JEWISH?

Like the seven dwarves, most people can name a few Israelite tribes but very few can name all of them. Likewise, it is generally understood that there are twelve tribes, but that assumption isn’t true. There are actually thirteen tribes of Israel. This is not an alternative interpretation or conspiracy, it’s right there in the Old Testament.

STORY HERE

RAPE, MASS MURDER, SCHEMING 

Jacob's daughter Dinah went out to hang with the women of Shechem, where the ruler's son rapes her. He falls in love with her and offers to marry her and bring the two peoples together. Her brothers agree but then ruin everything by killing every man in the town and enslaving the women and chilfren.

STORY HERE